Blogspot Confessional

Thanks Mo and Cate for your comments! I'm glad what I'm writing about is interesting to someone...I wasn't totally convinced, so I'll keep sharing thought with you about my inward journey, so to speak.
I'm going to try and be as candid as possible about things I'm thinking and feeling while I'm here. Confessions of a 24 (almost 25)-year old blogger:
I've been thinking about what I wrote earlier about grace and my quest for it. I know a lot of times we leave home only to find in the journey that what we were looking for was at home all along. I realized yesterday morning that I find grace in my Ashtanga practice. Surprise.
I came here not really knowing what to expect. I also came here without any clearly defined goals for what I wanted to learn. I think this is probably a good thing. When people asked me why I wanted to study yoga in India for 2 months, I told them mostly just to be in the atmosphere here, to be in the presence of a guru, to have time where all I have to think about is yoga.
I think these things are all true, but I'm also finding how much more I want to learn! My stay at the Ashram started this exploration of the inner self and I'm finding that message reinforced over and over from a variety of different sources. These things I'm looking for: grace, strength, awareness of my body, freedom from stress, etc are all tied in to the same thing. Yoga and meditation will bring me closer to my true self. Knowing myself will calm my mind.
I'm also realizing how completely un-unique my anxiety and fears are. Everyone's got them! We've all got the same problems, friends. They're rooted in the 4 basic drives: self-preservation, food, sex, sleep. Sharing this with humanity makes it easier to bear somehow.
This brings me into my next topic. Of the 4 drives, food is the one that I've had the most challenges with. The message I'm getting everywhere is: mindfulness, pay attention. I'm applying this to eating. I think this will be the most difficult thing for me when I get home. I do a lot of social eating. Anyways, the first thing I've learned is to take a moment before eating. Prayer? Not necessarily, just a moment to relax so you can eat while in a calm, centered place. Second, no multitasking. I've stopped reading while I eat. I'm trying to pay attention to every bite, really chew and taste my food thoroughly. This helps me know when I feel full and should stop eating. I'm trying to heed that physical signal. I'm redefining my relationship with food, a journey I started when I graduated from college.
Anatomy class: holy crap. Lots of info, fascinating stuff. We spent almost 5 hours between yesterday and today talking about feet to knees. I'll try to accurately divulge some of the info I learned.
First fascinating thing: our core muscles are not just in our abdomen! We have core and sleeve muscles all through the body. The core muscles are close to the bones and we can't really see them. They're responsible for sensing, rooting, stability--our movements begin here. Sleeve muscles are bigger and do more outward movements. We saw yesterday how the muscle chain that you engage in your abdomen and pelvic floor originate in your feet! Moral of the story: the feet are very important.
We stood with our eyes closed and swayed back and forward, feeling different muscle groups engage in the body as we moved. Then, tried to find center, where we were relaxed. Also, to really feel the quality of the ground beneath are feet--texture, temperature, density, etc. The idea is to sense these things in the feet and be firmly grounded in the feet and with the core muscles, before reaching out with the sleeve muscles.
We were encouraged to go home and practice sensing subtle things in the body that we may not have been paying attention to before. Holy crap, sensory overload. I felt so many things that I had never felt before. Firstly, while walking I noticed my right leg is turned slightly outwards. Standing still, after a while I could feel the twist in my pelvis and which of my legs was made shorter from that. I could also feel the twist in my pelvis while lying down.
This brings me into my back injury. A lot of its physical, but I've decided a lot of its mental too. I think I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with it. It's definitely a horn I like to toot (meaning, for some reason I like to tell people about it). It hurts and limits my movement sometimes, but I think I also regard it as a bit of an old friend. Also a crutch--"I can't do that, my back hurts..." I think part of me doesn't want to see it go. Why? Unknown.
Are you bored yet, gentle reader?
Yesterday was the first day that I actually felt, from inside, what the structure of my back felt like. Until yesterday, I'd only understood the structural problem in my pelvis and sacrum from what other people had told me about it. How unbelievable to actually feel it from inside, just by paying close attention! There's a lot of really cool stuff going on in there. And this is only the beginning!
I really focused on my feet this morning while I was practicing. How do you make a perfectly formed footprint in every standing pose? How do you even out the pressure across the foot and then extend outwards and go deeper into the pose?
I'm finding in my practice I can turn off my thoughts in a way I'm still having trouble with while meditating (I'm doing a little every day). I noticed today that while my mind isn't turned outward, I don't know that its turned deeply inward either. I'm not sensing these things I started to feel after the anatomy class yesterday. This is the next step for deepening my practice. PAYING ATTENTION!!!! It seems so simple, but it's not.
Today was my first self-led practice. The shala is packed by 4:50, even though most people's start time is at 5. I got there at 4:55 and had trouble finding a spot. It was so different from the led practice. The led practice is SO fast compared to me practicing following my own breath. Have I mentioned we only do 3 Surya Namaskara Bs??? Some of you may appreciate this news. I nearly forgot purvotanasana, as I am wont to do.
I got to see some people doing intermediate, but I digress.
I used my new cotton yoga mat for the first time in the seated series today. It's awesome. No more hydroplaning on my own sweat. Sharath had time to sit down and help me through the Marichiasanas today, which was nice. Mari D is still a long way off. I got stopped there and then you go in the other room to do finishing poses.
After class I enjoyed fresh coconut water from inside a real coconut. Yummy in my tummy. There's a guy with a truck full of coconuts who parks in front of the shala every morning and waits for us to emerge...
I went home and read a book for a while, slathered myself in tiger balm (my new best friend: goodbye immodium, hello tiger balm!), made breakfast, and meditated. Then came anatomy class number 2.
We talked about the feet some more, then about muscles in the lower leg and the knee. What did I learn today that I want to incorporate into my practice tomorrow? I always thought that you had to contract the muscles on one side of the body while completely relaxing the other side to stretch--ie contracting the quads, releasing the hams. Apparently, we will get a deeper stretch by contracting the muscle we want to stretch. This stabalizes the joints the muscles are attached to. If the joint is not stable, your body will not let you stretch past a certain point. We tried it and it works! So, in seated poses, pressing the heel into the ground a little will give you more flexibility in the hip. I will try this tomorrow.
The knee is unbelievable, friends! We saw video of a cadaver's knee sliding back and forth over the meniscus.
Tomorrow, we learn about a number of things, including the structure of the femur and how one's particular femur shape may help or hinder getting into padmasana. I'm curious about my femur/padmasana potential...I know you're all on the edge of your seats.
Then I had lunch, and then I started writing this and then its now. I will probably go to bed at 8:30.
Not much else to report.
Love,
Lauren